This
Blog is going to be unique compared to all of my others. This Blog is written from the point of view
of the beautiful subject in these photos, Laura Clift. I thank you, Laura, for being so candid in
opening up about your journey. Grab some
tissues…
May 12, 2013
I felt a lump
while in the shower. Not a regular,
pre-period lump. A lump, lump. I told Jason at bedtime and he said to call
the doctor. I told him I didn’t want to
panic – I wanted to wait a week. I had a
hysterectomy in August of 2012 so my regular, monthly self-exams turned into
whenever I remembered.
I called my
doctor. She wanted to see me that
day. She assured me that it felt like a
cyst and ordered a mammogram and aspiration of the cyst.
I went in for my
mammo, sure that it was nothing. My mom,
aunt, and Jason all insisted on going. I
went to the Gayle Keeran Center for Women.
Such a wonderful place! The tech
did my mammo, and then sent me to the ultrasound room. That tech started the scan and went to get
the doctor. She said it isn’t a fluid-
filled cyst. It was right then I knew it
was caner. It was now 4pm on a Friday. My gyno was gone and they needed her to order
a biopsy.
12:3pm – Biopsy time!
I cried through the whole thing.
It didn’t hurt, but I knew…I just knew it was f****** cancer.
Malana’s
birthday. I worked, just like a normal
Friday. I kept praying the doctor would
call. I was going out of my mind
waiting. We left for Malana’s party and
Jason went to work. 6:15pm THE CALL
came. I have no idea what she said
besides, “I’m sorry, it’s cancer!” I
wanted to run. I sat down in the parking
lot and cried while she talked. Finally,
my mother-in-law came out with me and called Jason. Poor Grace and Faith looked scared to
death. They’ve never seen me like
this. Poor Malana wanted to know why I
was crying on her birthday. I told her I
was crying because it was raining. Then
the phone calls had to happen. My mom,
my grandma, my aunts. UGH! Telling the people that you love is the
worst. At this point all I know is I
have cancer.
Over the next
few days I moved forward, planning. My
friend Keelin helped me choose a surgeon.
Denise Mammolito was to become my breast surgeon.
June 6, 2013
I met Dr.
Mammolito for the first time. She took
so much time, holding my hand, talking me through the steps before
surgery. I decided today to never say,
“why me?” I thank God every day that it
is me and not one of the chicks.
June 11, 2013
I had an
appointment at the Komen Center for Women for an ultrasound and biopsy on a
lymph node under my arm. The doctor
looked and looked, called in another doctor, and they both said it looks
normal! I walked out and told Jason that
those 2 didn’t know what they were doing.
On the drive home I received a call from Dr. Mammolito’s nurse saying
that she wasn’t happy with the reading.
I had an appointment the next morning with the head radiologist at the
Komen Center. She did a biopsy.
Call from
Mammolito’s nurse – it’s positive for cancer.
My dear friends came to my rescue and helped bring me up. My family couldn’t do it. They were too busy dealing with their own
emotions. I used humor during this
time. Laugh instead of cry. I would say to my friends, “but I have
cancer.” My friend Carrie didn’t think
that was funny. I quit saying it…around
her. After all, she was mom to my chicks
when I couldn’t be.
Results from the
genetics test came back negative!!! I
don’t carry the gene mutation! Yay! The chicks are still at a higher risk of
developing breast cancer but at least the chance isn’t 87%.
June 28, 2013
They want to
schedule surgery for July 3rd, the day before Grace’s 13th
birthday. I ask Grace what she wants me
to do. She says, “Get rid of the
cancer!” Thankfully the nurse called
back and says, “How about July 5th?”
A day none of us
will ever forget. Missy spent the night
with the chicks since we had to leave home by 6:30am. Jason and I drove to Peoria in almost
complete silence. Pastor Jerry was
already there when I got to pre-op. What
a relief to see him! Then, in filtered
my mom, 2 aunts, and my brother. Jason’s
grandpa had taken a turn for the worst that night. My mother-in-law came later. Grandpa Phil passed while I was in
surgery. I cried when it was time to go
back to surgery. It all became very real
right then. Dr. Mammolito came in. I remember telling her to tell the plastic
surgeon to use small implants. I opted
for immediate reconstruction. Surgery
took just under 7 hours. The first
person I remember seeing was sweet, sweet Keelin. She brought me out of recovery and took care
of me until night. She is a nurse at OSF
St. Francis. She was off, but came in to
take care of me. Everyone says I was
joking and laughing when they came in.
Then I had to go pee. Keelin
wanted me to use a bed pan. I
refused. BIG mistake! I was in the worst pain of my life. Of course, Keelin took care of me and got my
pain under control. I don’t remember
much of that night. Keelin was there
when I woke up. She stayed and visited
until Jason got there. Dr. Mammolito
said everything went well. She had to do
a radical mastectomy on the right and a simple (is there such a thing?)
mastectomy on the left. I went home with
a drain on each side and pain medication. My pain was under control and I felt
pretty good most of the time. Bathing
was the worst! Jason had to help me because
I couldn’t lift my arms. Thank God I
decided to cut some of my hair!
July 12/13, 2013
We buried
Jason’s grandpa. It was a bittersweet
day. I miss him. I know that he waited until he knew I was
okay before he passed. I have one more
angel. During these 2 weeks my family
and friends tried to give my chicks a summer of fun. Grace and Faith went to a water park and a
concert.
I met Dr.
Khater, my radiation oncologist, for the first time.
July 19, 2013
We should have
been leaving for vacation. Instead, I
had yet another damn doctor’s appointment.
I met Sonie, a
physical therapist that specializes in lymphedema. She measured me for a sleeve and told me more
ways in which my life will be forever changed.
She invited me to join her the next night for the first meeting of the
Pink Ribbon Club. It is a support group
made up of mostly survivors. There are a
few women still in treatment like me. Of
course, my right hand man, Jenn, has gone to every meeting with me. I also met Dr. Kalmar, my oncologist,
today. He talked with us for a long
while. My cancer is stage IIB. I had cancer in 2 places. One tumor in my breast. My sentinel lymph
nodes were clear. Then the lymph node
under my arm. My cancer is triple positive. It feeds off of estrogen and
progesterone. It is the most treatable
kind. Yay for me! It is also grade 3, score 9, which means it
is the fastest growing and most aggressive type.
Back to
Mammolito. She pulls my drains. Everything is healing as it should.
Echocardiogram. Pretesting for chemo. I decided to do a clinical trial. I’m up for anything to find a cure for this
bitch!
July 29, 2013
Met with Dr.
Celeboglu to discuss putting a port in.
Chemo
class. I get a full explanation of what
to expect, meet my nurses, and see the chemo room. I was the youngest there by 20 years.
I went to a
wedding reception for one of my oldest friends and cried with him a little. I saw some other friends…they cried too.
August 4, 2013
Went to a hair
show with my friends. I got a bad ass
faux hawk haircut!
I have surgery
to put my port in. My sweet friend,
Mandy, took good care of me.
Today is the day
of dreaded Chemo. I receive Benadryl, an
antinausea medication, and 2 types of Chemo.
I can feel the effects within minutes.
I smell and taste “the poison” before the headache and nausea
start.
August 7, 2013
Back to the
cancer clinic for a shot to boost my bone marrow production. I don’t feel too bad today. My medicine makes me tired so I mostly
sleep.
Back to see the
Plastic Surgeon. I don’t feel too bad in
the morning. My appointment is at
12:15pm. I don’t see him until almost
2pm. By this time I’m nauseous and
crabby. The drive home was
terrible. We stopped at Hardees so I
could get “hangover” food.
I went to church
for the first time since surgery. It
felt so good to be back.
August 12, 2013
Blood work.
I have an
appointment with the doctor to see how I responded to Chemo. My white count was very low. They told me to be very careful of
germs. Then, off to Peoria to see
Mammolito. She is such a good
doctor. I told her how easy I thought
the Chemo was. She said she didn’t want
to burst my bubble, but that each time would probably get a little harder.
My class
reunion! 20 years! It was outside so I felt it was safe to
go. It was nice to get out and catch up
and not think about cancer for a while…until the end of the night….when my hair
starts falling out. By Sunday night I
have a bald spot on the back of my head.
I didn’t think I would, but I cried.
A LOT! Faith shaved my head for
me.
School
starts. My poor chicks are so upset to
leave me home. It was not a happy 1st
day of school.
August 27, 2013
Chemo day again,
already. They adjusted some meds to keep
me from getting the headaches. So far it
seems to help.
I get to see my
first client since June! I was exhausted
when I was done, but it was worth it.
I’m only seeing a few clients a few times a month, but it feels good. Jillian isn’t used to it and is very
clingy. I keep thinking she needs to get
used to me working again because eventually this will all be over and I’ll be
working again.
Blessings in a
Backpack meeting. I’m so glad to see
everyone. Some of these wonderful people
have become like family to us.
Chemo day. This time by Friday night I could barely
walk. The shot that increases bone
marrow production causes bone pain. It
is almost as bad as labor!
October 3, 2013
I allow myself a
few hours to feel sorry myself today. I
was supposed to be going with my aunt to see Blake Shelton in Kansas City. My body is mutilated, I’m bald, and I’ve
gained about 30 pounds. I’ve had it with
this bitch. I was invited by my friend’s
daughter to join her at her Volley for a Cure game. I was so surprised how many people came out
to support me. I’m amazed every
day. Meals are being delivered, my kids
are getting what they need. Jason has
been my rock through this. He keeps me
pushing forward.
October 8, 2013
Chemo day. I sat there for hours thinking about the
friends/family that all said at the beginning “let me know if I can do
anything.” I have really found out who I
can count on. So many people have
disappeared from my life. Poor me. I decide to count my blessings instead. I can’t waste energy I don’t have on people
who don’t care.
I played the
cancer card one last time. My mom let
the girls and I get a bunny and keep him at her house. Faith really wanted it. She is the chick that is having the hardest
time with me being sick.
October 29, 2013
Chemo day. At this point I don’t even plan on anything
for at least 10 days. The best way I can
describe how I feel is to say I feel like I have a terrible flu all the time. With about 4 days of terrible bone pain. I have hot flashes, night sweats, my hands
are weak. Did I mention that I hate my
boobs? I hate the way the implants
feel. I hate the way they look. I feel like I’m carrying them around with
me.
This is the 1st
Halloween in 13 years that I haven’t taken my chicks trick-or-treating. I couldn’t get out of my chair. They handed out candy. Luckily it rained so I don’t think they
minded too much.
November 12,
2013
I sit here
tonight writing this entry, looking ahead one week towards my last Chemo treatment. This week Jason and I celebrate our 16th
wedding anniversary. I think if this is
the “worse” part of our vows, we should be okay. I still thank God every day that my chicks
are healthy. Things will get easier
after Chemo is over. 30 radiation treatments
should be a cake walk. The doctor says
it will make me tired and burn my skin, but I won’t be sick or have pain. Sounds like a picnic to me…
If
you’re through reading this, I can guarantee that you have a pang in your heart
and many tears in your eyes. “Why?”
This is an answer that is never given, and therefore, seems silly to
ask. Laura is so young. She has such a strong faith. She has 3 beautiful little girls that need
her. “So, why?” Why does God put
these types of challenges in the way of such good people? It’s because he has a path that he has chosen
for each and every one of us. In a
situation like this, it’s very easy to get angry at God. It’s also very easy to turn to God for
strength and support. Through this,
Laura has learned who she can count on.
She has learned that her marriage is stronger than it may have ever
been. She has learned that Cancer is a
bitch. Thank you, Laura, for raising
awareness. If your story can help but
one, then you have done what you set out
to do in this journey.
With
much love….
