Faith Not Fear - Laura Clift - Our Very Own Warrior

This Blog is going to be unique compared to all of my others.  This Blog is written from the point of view of the beautiful subject in these photos, Laura Clift.  I thank you, Laura, for being so candid in opening up about your journey.  Grab some tissues… 

May 12, 2013

I felt a lump while in the shower.  Not a regular, pre-period lump.  A lump, lump.  I told Jason at bedtime and he said to call the doctor.  I told him I didn’t want to panic – I wanted to wait a week.  I had a hysterectomy in August of 2012 so my regular, monthly self-exams turned into whenever I remembered. 

 May 20, 2013

I called my doctor.  She wanted to see me that day.  She assured me that it felt like a cyst and ordered a mammogram and aspiration of the cyst. 

 May 24, 2013

I went in for my mammo, sure that it was nothing.  My mom, aunt, and Jason all insisted on going.  I went to the Gayle Keeran Center for Women.  Such a wonderful place!  The tech did my mammo, and then sent me to the ultrasound room.  That tech started the scan and went to get the doctor.  She said it isn’t a fluid- filled cyst.  It was right then I knew it was caner.  It was now 4pm on a Friday.  My gyno was gone and they needed her to order a biopsy. 

 May 29, 2013

12:3pm  – Biopsy time!  I cried through the whole thing.  It didn’t hurt, but I knew…I just knew it was f****** cancer. 

  

May 31, 2013

Malana’s birthday.  I worked, just like a normal Friday.  I kept praying the doctor would call.  I was going out of my mind waiting.  We left for Malana’s party and Jason went to work.  6:15pm THE CALL came.  I have no idea what she said besides, “I’m sorry, it’s cancer!”  I wanted to run.  I sat down in the parking lot and cried while she talked.  Finally, my mother-in-law came out with me and called Jason.  Poor Grace and Faith looked scared to death.  They’ve never seen me like this.  Poor Malana wanted to know why I was crying on her birthday.  I told her I was crying because it was raining.  Then the phone calls had to happen.  My mom, my grandma, my aunts.  UGH!  Telling the people that you love is the worst.  At this point all I know is I have cancer. 

Over the next few days I moved forward, planning.  My friend Keelin helped me choose a surgeon.  Denise Mammolito was to become my breast surgeon. 

June 6, 2013

I met Dr. Mammolito for the first time.  She took so much time, holding my hand, talking me through the steps before surgery.  I decided today to never say, “why me?”  I thank God every day that it is me and not one of the chicks. 

 The next few weeks were a blur of tests, birthday parties, waiting, softball games, more tests, and more waiting.  Praying and acting became my new past times.  Grace and Faith were so scared.  We talked often about Sheila Gensler and Carol Branz.  This whole time seemed to fly by, yet drag on. 

June 11, 2013

I had an appointment at the Komen Center for Women for an ultrasound and biopsy on a lymph node under my arm.  The doctor looked and looked, called in another doctor, and they both said it looks normal!  I walked out and told Jason that those 2 didn’t know what they were doing.  On the drive home I received a call from Dr. Mammolito’s nurse saying that she wasn’t happy with the reading.  I had an appointment the next morning with the head radiologist at the Komen Center.  She did a biopsy. 

 June 17, 2013

Call from Mammolito’s nurse – it’s positive for cancer.  My dear friends came to my rescue and helped bring me up.  My family couldn’t do it.  They were too busy dealing with their own emotions.  I used humor during this time.  Laugh instead of cry.  I would say to my friends, “but I have cancer.”  My friend Carrie didn’t think that was funny.  I quit saying it…around her.  After all, she was mom to my chicks when I couldn’t be. 

June 26, 2013

Results from the genetics test came back negative!!!  I don’t carry the gene mutation!  Yay!  The chicks are still at a higher risk of developing breast cancer but at least the chance isn’t 87%. 

June 28, 2013

They want to schedule surgery for July 3^rd, the day before Grace’s 13^th birthday.  I ask Grace what she wants me to do.  She says, “Get rid of the cancer!”  Thankfully the nurse called back and says, “How about July 5^th?” 

 July 5, 2013

A day none of us will ever forget.  Missy spent the night with the chicks since we had to leave home by 6:30am.  Jason and I drove to Peoria in almost complete silence.  Pastor Jerry was already there when I got to pre-op.  What a relief to see him!  Then, in filtered my mom, 2 aunts, and my brother.  Jason’s grandpa had taken a turn for the worst that night.  My mother-in-law came later.  Grandpa Phil passed while I was in surgery.  I cried when it was time to go back to surgery.  It all became very real right then.  Dr. Mammolito came in.  I remember telling her to tell the plastic surgeon to use small implants.  I opted for immediate reconstruction.  Surgery took just under 7 hours.  The first person I remember seeing was sweet, sweet Keelin.  She brought me out of recovery and took care of me until night.  She is a nurse at OSF St. Francis.  She was off, but came in to take care of me.  Everyone says I was joking and laughing when they came in.  Then I had to go pee.  Keelin wanted me to use a bed pan.  I refused.  BIG mistake!  I was in the worst pain of my life.  Of course, Keelin took care of me and got my pain under control.  I don’t remember much of that night.  Keelin was there when I woke up.  She stayed and visited until Jason got there.  Dr. Mammolito said everything went well.  She had to do a radical mastectomy on the right and a simple (is there such a thing?) mastectomy on the left.  I went home with a drain on each side and pain medication. My pain was under control and I felt pretty good most of the time.  Bathing was the worst!  Jason had to help me because I couldn’t lift my arms.  Thank God I decided to cut some of my hair! 

July 12/13, 2013

We buried Jason’s grandpa.  It was a bittersweet day.  I miss him.  I know that he waited until he knew I was okay before he passed.  I have one more angel.   During these 2 weeks my family and friends tried to give my chicks a summer of fun.  Grace and Faith went to a water park and a concert. 

 July 17, 2013

I met Dr. Khater, my radiation oncologist, for the first time. 

July 19, 2013

We should have been leaving for vacation.  Instead, I had yet another damn doctor’s appointment. 

 July 23, 2013

I met Sonie, a physical therapist that specializes in lymphedema.  She measured me for a sleeve and told me more ways in which my life will be forever changed.  She invited me to join her the next night for the first meeting of the Pink Ribbon Club.  It is a support group made up of mostly survivors.  There are a few women still in treatment like me.  Of course, my right hand man, Jenn, has gone to every meeting with me.  I also met Dr. Kalmar, my oncologist, today.  He talked with us for a long while.  My cancer is stage IIB.  I had cancer in 2 places.  One tumor in my breast. My sentinel lymph nodes were clear.  Then the lymph node under my arm.  My cancer is triple positive.  It feeds off of estrogen and progesterone.  It is the most treatable kind.  Yay for me!  It is also grade 3, score 9, which means it is the fastest growing and most aggressive type. 

 July 25, 2013

Back to Mammolito.  She pulls my drains.  Everything is healing as it should. 

 July 26, 2013

Echocardiogram.  Pretesting for chemo.  I decided to do a clinical trial.  I’m up for anything to find a cure for this bitch! 

July 29, 2013

Met with Dr. Celeboglu to discuss putting a port in.

 August 2, 2013

Chemo class.  I get a full explanation of what to expect, meet my nurses, and see the chemo room.  I was the youngest there by 20 years. 

 August 3, 2013

I went to a wedding reception for one of my oldest friends and cried with him a little.  I saw some other friends…they cried too. 

August 4, 2013

Went to a hair show with my friends.  I got a bad ass faux hawk haircut! 

 August 5, 2013

I have surgery to put my port in.  My sweet friend, Mandy, took good care of me. 

 August 6, 2013

Today is the day of dreaded Chemo.  I receive Benadryl, an antinausea medication, and 2 types of Chemo.  I can feel the effects within minutes.  I smell and taste “the poison” before the headache and nausea start. 

August 7, 2013

Back to the cancer clinic for a shot to boost my bone marrow production.  I don’t feel too bad today.  My medicine makes me tired so I mostly sleep. 

 August 9, 2013

Back to see the Plastic Surgeon.  I don’t feel too bad in the morning.  My appointment is at 12:15pm.  I don’t see him until almost 2pm.  By this time I’m nauseous and crabby.  The drive home was terrible.  We stopped at Hardees so I could get “hangover” food. 

 August 10, 2013

I went to church for the first time since surgery.  It felt so good to be back. 

August 12, 2013

Blood work. 

 August 13, 2013

I have an appointment with the doctor to see how I responded to Chemo.  My white count was very low.  They told me to be very careful of germs.  Then, off to Peoria to see Mammolito.  She is such a good doctor.  I told her how easy I thought the Chemo was.  She said she didn’t want to burst my bubble, but that each time would probably get a little harder. 

 August 17, 2013

My class reunion!  20 years!  It was outside so I felt it was safe to go.  It was nice to get out and catch up and not think about cancer for a while…until the end of the night….when my hair starts falling out.  By Sunday night I have a bald spot on the back of my head.  I didn’t think I would, but I cried.  A LOT!  Faith shaved my head for me. 

 August 23, 2013

School starts.  My poor chicks are so upset to leave me home.  It was not a happy 1^st day of school. 

August 27, 2013

Chemo day again, already.  They adjusted some meds to keep me from getting the headaches.  So far it seems to help. 

 September 4, 2013

I get to see my first client since June!  I was exhausted when I was done, but it was worth it.  I’m only seeing a few clients a few times a month, but it feels good.  Jillian isn’t used to it and is very clingy.  I keep thinking she needs to get used to me working again because eventually this will all be over and I’ll be working again. 

 September 11, 2013

Blessings in a Backpack meeting.  I’m so glad to see everyone.  Some of these wonderful people have become like family to us. 

 September 17, 2013

Chemo day.  This time by Friday night I could barely walk.  The shot that increases bone marrow production causes bone pain.  It is almost as bad as labor!

October 3, 2013

I allow myself a few hours to feel sorry myself today.  I was supposed to be going with my aunt to see Blake Shelton in Kansas City.  My body is mutilated, I’m bald, and I’ve gained about 30 pounds.  I’ve had it with this bitch.  I was invited by my friend’s daughter to join her at her Volley for a Cure game.  I was so surprised how many people came out to support me.  I’m amazed every day.  Meals are being delivered, my kids are getting what they need.  Jason has been my rock through this.  He keeps me pushing forward. 

October 8, 2013

Chemo day.  I sat there for hours thinking about the friends/family that all said at the beginning “let me know if I can do anything.”  I have really found out who I can count on.  So many people have disappeared from my life.  Poor me.  I decide to count my blessings instead.  I can’t waste energy I don’t have on people who don’t care. 

 October 10, 2013

I played the cancer card one last time.  My mom let the girls and I get a bunny and keep him at her house.  Faith really wanted it.  She is the chick that is having the hardest time with me being sick. 

October 29, 2013

Chemo day.  At this point I don’t even plan on anything for at least 10 days.  The best way I can describe how I feel is to say I feel like I have a terrible flu all the time.  With about 4 days of terrible bone pain.  I have hot flashes, night sweats, my hands are weak.  Did I mention that I hate my boobs?  I hate the way the implants feel.  I hate the way they look.  I feel like I’m carrying them around with me. 

 October 31, 2013

This is the 1^st Halloween in 13 years that I haven’t taken my chicks trick-or-treating.  I couldn’t get out of my chair.  They handed out candy.  Luckily it rained so I don’t think they minded too much. 

November 12, 2013

I sit here tonight writing this entry, looking ahead one week towards my last Chemo treatment.  This week Jason and I celebrate our 16^th wedding anniversary.  I think if this is the “worse” part of our vows, we should be okay.   I still thank God every day that my chicks are healthy.  Things will get easier after Chemo is over.  30 radiation treatments should be a cake walk.  The doctor says it will make me tired and burn my skin, but I won’t be sick or have pain.  Sounds like a picnic to me…

If you’re through reading this, I can guarantee that you have a pang in your heart and many tears in your eyes.  “Why?”  This is an answer that is never given, and therefore, seems silly to ask.  Laura is so young.  She has such a strong faith.  She has 3 beautiful little girls that need her.  “So, why?”  Why does God put these types of challenges in the way of such good people?  It’s because he has a path that he has chosen for each and every one of us.  In a situation like this, it’s very easy to get angry at God.  It’s also very easy to turn to God for strength and support.  Through this, Laura has learned who she can count on.  She has learned that her marriage is stronger than it may have ever been.  She has learned that Cancer is a bitch.   Thank you, Laura, for raising awareness.  If your story can help but one, then you  have done what you set out to do in this journey. 

With much love….